If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. – Will Rogers
The Broken Path:
My very first blog post touched on the topic of self-discovery. Initially, I shared my feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, unsure of the root cause. Over time, I've gained valuable insights and perspective, shedding light on my exhaustion.
Reflecting on my childhood, my parents encouraged me to conform to certain behaviors in exchange for their attention. As I grew older, I sought validation from various authority figures, particularly at school and work. Believing that hard work would bring the recognition I craved, I continued to strive relentlessly. It took time to recognize that I was unwittingly repeating the same patterns from my past. This realization has set me on a journey of self-discovery and healing, allowing me to grow and nurture healthier relationships.
My Cause and Effect:
Act a certain way —> get attention from parents (NO!)
Act in a certain way —> get attention from teachers, bosses, and supervisors (YES!)
Can you see the dysfunctional thinking here?
I chose not to conform to my parent's expectations, yet I found myself willing to adapt to the guidance of teachers, bosses, and supervisors. However, in this process, I compromised my authenticity and values. Despite my unwavering dedication and effort, I never received the validation I sought from these figures, including my parents. Even if I received some recognition, it was never enough.
Interestingly enough, this parallel experience taught me that if I had given my parents everything they wanted from me, they would’ve likely not respected me any more than my teachers, bosses, or supervisors did. Rejection would’ve come no matter what because I sacrificed my authentic self to please others. And, It’s nearly impossible to gain respect while acting inauthentically, even if it’s for “all the right reasons.”
It’s taken a lot of work, and I’ve had plenty of support. And it was worth it.
How I Healed:
I worked with many different types of professionals: therapists, coaches, teachers, healers, etc. I can’t say one was better, but every type of healing worked differently.
Overcoming my limiting beliefs about love was the most important step regarding exhaustion. I had to return to the source and accept that I couldn’t control how ANYONE felt about me. And that “performing” for attention was manipulation. The best way to gain respect was not to act but to be authentic.
The only one who could genuinely make me feel good is…me!
And the only one who could truly validate me is…me!
How to Recover From Exhaustion:
Support is a key coping strategy. You’ll need support to reach your authentic internal compass, intuition. You can check out my past entries for more info on support.
Once you are in touch with your intuition, check in with yourself:
Ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?”
You will never get what you seek if you do things ONLY to gain people's validation. Make sure that your actions are self-motivated. You should do things because they teach you something, give you perspective, or lead to growth.
If you are doing something for yourself because it genuinely feels good, then congratulations, you are on the right path!
If you do something only for others, you must dive deeper to understand what you seek. Is it attention, validation, love, safety, security, etc? See if you can give those things to yourself.
Ask yourself, “Does this feel good to me?”
This is a confusing question because you’ll often hear about how Walt Disney worked so many hours and slept so little (aka exhaustion). But, the key to understanding is that he worked hard on things he was passionate about. So, working harder on things you hate won’t give you personal fulfillment.
NOTE: In my case, I was doing things for others, and they did not feel good!
New Cause and Effect:
Be authentic —> Do things that GENUINELY feel good to me
*This model leads to more energy and personal fulfillment because I start with an empowering state of being, and then I can have fulfilling experiences.
Closing Thoughts:
The story's moral is that you will likely be exhausted if you do things for validation. But if you do things for yourself, you will experience a self-renewing and oh-so-satisfying life!
Amor y canela,
Monica
